Why stumps rule!

So, the inevitable happened... you got your hand amputated (dude, you really had it coming, momma never taught you not to stick your hands in deep dark holes? if you know what i mean ;) ). If you're about to start crying like a baby, feeling like a shitty loser and telling everyone you just had the crappiest day ever at work, DON'T.

Here, we will tell you the pros of not having ONE* hand:
-No one will ever ask you again if you're left or right-handed.
-If you're a girl, you'll spend just half the price on manicure.
-You can give your partner (or yourself) weird sex pleasure.
-If you're a dyslexic you'll never confuse your right and left hand again
-You have a perfec excuse to use a hook
-There are people with weird perversions that get aroused by stumps (I swear I don't)
-Are you tired of annoying people on the street constantly asking you the time just because they have the fucking urge of knowing how late they're gonna be for their sorry-ass jobs? Just rub your shiny STUMP in their ugly faces and they'll be so ashamed they will immediately avoid eye contact and walk away feeling like jerks.
-If you hate p.e. , you can piss your fat-bold coach off ( for example: "But Coach DICKinson, I have just one hand, how do you expect me to do push ups, climb the rope or grab a baseball bat? why don't you let me help you picking up those basketballs after my classmates fishish playing??" you start picking up all the balls in a wagon and then, deliberately, overturn the wagon and let all the balls drop and srpead arround the gym; make the saddest face ever, pat and kiss your stump telling him "easy easy it's not his fault that I'm a useless crippled now" That ass will say you have an A, and you should never stop by again in his class
-You won't have to go through the pain and suffering of learning how to drive stick.
-No more handshaking with filthy strangers and homeless people in church.
-Riding bikes with no hands really impresses chicks (yeah, dikes too!)

So here you have it, these are some of the reasons why having a stump rules!!!!
makes me want to cut one hand off

*This doesen't apply if you lost both of your hands, cause in that case, man, you're a complete loser, and no one will ever want you arround, you're gross and will never again be able to easily masturbate again. 


C.K.